A Perfect Day

What is a perfect day? What would it take to create that kind of day? Could I recreate it over and over?

Naturally, the answers to these questions depend on a multitude of variables. Every day, the requirements change. Our goals change. Our circumstances change. There is no one perfect day. The potential "perfect" component combinations are infinite.

However, my most perfect days seem to be days when I start out wondering how I will make it through the day at all. Perhaps this is because, on those days, I consciously give over control to a higher power and recognize that I cannot determine the ultimate outcome of that day. I ask myself what would constitute a failed day and usually come up empty. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what happens. It's never the end of the world. I'm not out detonating nuclear bombs or anything.

I think one of my main problems is the over-importance I place on my life in general. I give it so much weight that it frightens me, as if my every move determined the course of the universe. And while my actions may have some effect on the universe, they more likely work within the context of a whole realm of other actions taking place everywhere else and as a result of the billions upon billions of things that occurred long before I ever existed on this planet. Things are moving along in the world, and it's rather arrogant to believe that I could have the power to throw the whole thing completely off-balance.

But wait! Can't I throw at least MY part of the world off-balance? And wouldn't that be scary?

Would it? Would it be so scary? Maybe things need to be thrown off every now and then.

Needless to say, the ingredients to a "perfect" day remain consistent: giving up control, relaxing, and doing WHAT I CAN (not things I WISH I could do). The best days are the ones that I let just be. And this is so hard for me to do...

Judgment has to be left by the wayside to create a perfect day. I have to stop second-guessing everything and allow my decisions to be my decisions. Things will get done. I can indulge. I can set schedules and plans. I can do whatever will be best in my life at the moment. I can try things. If it doesn't workout today, I can take notes so that I can make better choices in the future. It's okay to make mistakes. I am an aware person. I can learn from these things. No need to be afraid!

Holidays are the ideal times to test these ideas. I can create schedules if I want them or discard every routine, just to see what happens. I can set new standards or do things in different ways. There's usually a lot of time for reflection, so I can consider what I'm doing as I'm doing it. There may also be ample opportunities to celebrate and do new, interesting things. I can see how I react in situations with people I may have difficulty relating to and also get information from perspectives I do not typically access.

So, in conclusion, I am trying new things. I'm releasing some of my exercise and germ/health obsessions, or at the very least, I'm trying. I'm giving myself a chance to alter my patterns and ignore what others think about it while being open to unexpected wisdom. I can try to exist in a challenging location, away from home. Basically, I am encouraging myself to find home, wherever I am, maintaining openness to a concept of home that looks different than I initially imagined.

I am safe. I am at home...anywhere. A good mantra.

The Other Side

There is another side to all of us, a side that isn't regularly seen. I talk myself out of it all the time.

But that other side is important. What lies there, though often socially unacceptable, is part of who I am. And the universe ultimately accepts that side with the same love as the part that exhibits itself more readily.

I am exploring this side by incorporating another blog:
http://myundercurrent.blogspot.com/

It will be for unfiltered expression. We'll see if I am able to actually use it for that purpose. Here is where I try to express a whole self. There, I want to get the part out that may be overlooked at times. It's a vague idea right now, but I want to play with it.

Without a Promise

As part of my continuing effort to figure out the best recording/online publishing options for myself, here's a weblog of a recent song I've been working on. The sound quality is less-than-desirable, but it's this or nothing for now. Enjoy!

(And yes, I am aware of the sound not matching the video in my previous post. This one looks good to me. For better-synched clips, check out the videos at my MySpace page at www.myspace.com/michellecowanmusic.)

Hold My Hand

Came across this old song today and wanted to share it with you all. It touched my heart to play it again after a few years have passed...

Has the Universe Assigned Me a Special Role?

Sometimes, I feel like the designated Cosmic Container of Sorrow. I have no personal reason to be sad, except the usual underlying sadness that most humans carry, but I cry and lay around and feel sadness pumping through me so often. I even relish it! I feel happy to feel sad. I feel happy to feel anything, so I pick up sadness and run.

I think that if some divine hand were to affirm my role as the “Cosmic Container of Sorrow,” I would be more accepting of it. I could hold my head high as a strong person, capable of taking on and expressing the sorrow of the universe, rather than pondering over my feelings and wondering why I’m not happy-go-lucky or if I am just a whiney baby.

I’m not a crybaby, I don’t think. One of the things that makes the sadness linger is often my reluctance to share my weakened, sad condition with others. And as I said in an earlier post, I’m working to open up earlier and more often. But recognizing that doesn’t make it easier. The sadness I felt earlier today is fading right now, but oh, it gets so strong.

I definitely long for other emotional people to share these things with, but I find myself consistently stymied when trying to think of who to call or talk to. I wish people would come out of the woodwork and help me express my emotions. I imagine someone who would stick with me through my ups and downs and my frequent lack of desire to be with people. He or she would also encourage me to get out and be with others when appropriate.

Immediately following this fantasy, I realize that no one will probably be able to do that. Perhaps… I believe in miracles. But until the miracle happens, I have to learn to do these things myself. Will I??

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I’m also in the midst of looking for more ways to expand in the virtual realm. Will I create my own website? Possibly. Will I try to use it as a landing page where I can advertise myself as a speaker and performer? I would. I just have to explore the available avenues. I can build a web presence, and I can create a community space for people to come together. I am interested in these things.

Hmmm, now I’m fantasizing about someone who can help me do that. Ugh… Do I really have to bother with making friends and all that jazz?? ;)

Trust the Instinct

Somewhere along the way, I picked up the notion that I should second-guess every inclination. However, life as of late has repeatedly confirmed the validity of my natural instincts. So - why do I resist trusting myself?

It’s difficult to believe in something without outside confirmation. I long for someone or something else to say, “Yes, Michelle, that is the best course of action,” no matter how strongly I already feel that sentiment. How will I know who to trust, what career path to go down, where to live, which shirt to wear, or whether I should run my errands before or after lunch?

Despite my doubts, I have a fantastic track record of predicting which friendships I will want to deepen after only a couple of meetings. I also seem to finish tasks that need to be accomplished on time, without too much stress… except during the process of deciding which task to take on first. I am now trying to remember that, just as I am now attune to when I am hungry and typically what I am hungry for, I know the best actions to take or if there are multiple, equally beneficial courses that present themselves during the day. Somewhere inside me, I contain this wisdom.

Trusting that gift of wisdom is a process. I am continually learning to discern between ego-powered impulse and true, universal intuition. When peace rests beneath the instinct, it’s usually worth following.

Even if I mess up and follow a course that I wish I hadn’t, life has never ended. I approach things with an open, true heart, and if I make a mistake, it can’t keep me down for long. I simply learn. I make the choice and move on. And I must say, Little Miss Indecisive is making some big strides. Who knew I would ever believe that there are no mistakes? Truly.

Now that I trust instinct, I find that my life follows a miraculous sort of rhythm. I end up synching with other people’s schedules and having time for everything. I watch the lives of people who agonize far less about daily decisions and take note of those who seem in tune with something greater. It is possible to follow a natural course, not over-think things, and still live a successful life (though it might not be successful in the way I initially envisioned it).

Growing up, I never conceived that a person could excel and enjoy life without pre-plotting every step. Letting go of my compulsive need to plan and control is difficult, but I’m learning firsthand how healthy and freeing it is to let life take its course rather than remaining chained to the construction of personal forecasts and predictions. If I spend all my time building nets to catch myself in case I should fall, I have no time left to climb the ladders and take the leaps that make living a worthwhile adventure.

Here’s to trusting myself to know when to make healthy preparations and when to release my fears and simply LIVE.

A Blog in Parts

What if I systematically removed person after person from my life? What if I chose not to associate with one person at a time, until the only one left was me? Could I then eliminate myself?

I wouldn't choose that. I sometimes fear that I'll choose it, but the true Michelle never would. She reaches out and loves but also retreats into a quiet space at times. I'll let the universe choose the ebb and flow of people in my life.

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I want to live inside music. Nowhere else feels safe in the same way. The outside world melts away, and everything I do is permissible -- glorious even.

Perhaps the truth is that I already do live inside music. I come alive in my music. When I share it with others, I hope they can see a little bit of what I am like fully alive, fully free, liberated, and happy. Alone, I enjoy; I curl up in comfort. I regain something every time I lose myself in a song.

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I would also like to live inside a giant pile of clothes fresh from the dryer... if it were possible to breathe inside the mound ;)

A New Project: Sharing Emotions...without thinking them away

I miss the boat. It takes me quite a while to connect with people, and I always feel that I miss numerous chances to take relationships to that infamous “next level.” Up to now, I have blazed a trail of mostly shallow friendships that I don’t discover are shallow until well after I assume I’ve opened up and connected “adequately.” Luckily, at this point, I am better able to gauge the true depths of my friendships and enjoy a few truly wonderful, strong connections. For the longest time, however, I remained puzzled as to why so many of my relationships stayed on the surface, leaving me unsatisfied.

Well, a revolution this week has enlightened my situation somewhat: I don’t admit my vulnerability. Of course, I am a strong woman who can care for herself, but that does not mean I am without needs and desires that I would rather not fulfill on my own. I need help so much of the time. I feel alone. I feel afraid. I feel confused. I long to be really known and to know others. Can others sense this about me? Do I ever admit to any of that?

I have been doing so well with feeling my emotions, and I’m even better at working through them, rationalizing them in a positive way. I, in a sense, “therapize” myself. I work through my feelings and learn from them. Nonetheless, something has been missing in my emotional journey.

I tend to express the emotion to myself, crying for hours or beating up pillows in anger. But rarely do I ever tell anyone about what happened. It’s hard to imagine that I would call someone and admit to sobbing for half a day. By that time, I’ve usually already “worked through” the issue and disregard the need to share my raw emotion with someone else.

In the same vein, I hesitate or don’t even think to call someone and ask for help when I’m just at the beginning of feeling something difficult. I devalue working on my emotions with someone. I devalue the mere expression of emotion in front of someone’s face, talking about the honest emotion I’m having without mitigating it with all the reasons or explanations I’ve already come up with.

I realized I was missing this crucial step of expression to others when I pinpointed a deep desire. Many times, I simply want people to let me feel feelings. I don’t want the feelings “fixed,” and I don’t want them ignored. I just want to be allowed to feel. And I long for someone to see me emoting and allow it. Despite this desire, I almost never get to the point of sharing an emotion without quickly following my share up with my nice, neat therapized package. I don’t want to overwhelm anyone with negativity. Life is fun and positive! Shouldn’t I ensure that the positive spin takes center stage rather than the darkness of my original feeling?

No. The explanations and background surrounding my emotions are valuable, but not at the expense of giving the feeling itself credence. By hiding the depth of what I’m feeling, I miss out on a connection with the world I’m meant to have.

By not admitting my frailty, I separate myself. I think I want that separation, that it makes me strong. And for whatever reason, I think that once I’ve worked through a feeling, it’s a sign of weakness to return to it in its raw form to share my experience with another person.

Well, time to stop this. I am deciding t make a concerted effort to share more of the difficult feelings I have with others and to abandon my fear of being seen as weak. Someone who feels things as deeply as I do cannot be weak. But I am human. And I want others to know that. It’s difficult to feel connection with a “perfect” or “invincible” person, and I try to come off as both of those things, despite the fact that I am neither.

I treasure it when someone is willing to share with me a true emotional moment. I am impressed and honored when someone entrusts me with their true feelings, without explaining them away.

This new way of working with feelings and other people will take a while, but it will be worth the journey. I’ve already begun experimenting with this, resulting in some embarrassment, but also incredibly revelatory moments with others and a deeper sense of connection. Ultimately, this exercise is simply an extension of me not covering anything up and being authentic wherever I am. No need to perform… unless I’m playing on stage ;)

Deeper Connectedness

I like seeing different parts of who I am. I like seeing different parts of other people. People are endless mysteries, labyrinths whose depths have yet to be fully explored. Ten lifetimes probably aren't enough to scope the vastness of the soul.

I like giving people a chance. I like asking people odd questions and noting their responses. Each new day opens up new channels of discovery. When I spend more time with a person, I usually find more and more things to like, more similarities, and more interesting differences.

I've long been uninterested in knowing only people who seem "like me" because, in the end, everyone is both like me and unlike me. The first things I see about a person may disguise untold-of connections between us. I like the intricacies within that framework. I'm interested in how we form connections with people and how we deepen those bonds.

Sometimes, however, it's difficult to find other people willing to explore those depths with me. I think that almost everyone would profess to want to get to know their friends in deeper ways, but when certain inner areas are probed, many people jerk back, afraid, or they leap forward and put on a show, pretending to reveal in an attempt to cover the truth. I'm searching for more people willing to honestly probe the depths and do their best to be thoroughly authentic.

I'm slower to cut people out of my life now, too. I am noting snap judgments when I make them but not necessarily moving out of the friendship because of those initial sentiments. Often, my resistance stems from an insecurity within myself, although sometimes resistance is an intuitive force that should be given credence.

All this to say that I am learning to be open to all kinds of people and to be brave enough to open up and seek openness from anyone who presents him or herself as willing to reciprocate. I am uncovering treasures EVERYWHERE, in everyone, even the most unlikely. I hope to continue this journey.

Following this mindset has strengthened my family relationships and enhanced the other connections in my life. I am becoming more and more curious about people.

One concern remains, though: I pray that my naturally inquisitive nature doesn't prevent me from opening up myself. I hope to give at the rate I receive. My tendency to play the observer can separate me from others in that, while I may feel more connected to them, they feel a distance from me. I hope to truly be authentic and honest about myself and lay aside the mediator or investigator hat from time to time.

People are amazing. Pity that I can forget that, run into fear, and then hide within myself occasionally. Although those hidden times are valuable, moments when I reach out and act on a willingness to be involved with other people take me to new heights. Inter-relational life is so new to me! I want to uncover all the riches within the people I know and love.

Thanks to all those who have reached out to me. The first step is the hardest for me to make, but once I take a couple of steps toward connecting with someone, I'll run with it. Thank you to those who know I need that initial push.

Opening Up

I am attempting to open up my world. It’s really the only way to go. Openness is scary, but it has resulted in more growth in my life than any other disposition. Openness.

You see, when something I at one time only dreamt of doing seems to miraculously occur, a closer examination of everything leading up to the occurrence reveals a distinct lack of the miraculous (unless, like me, you argue that every little thing we do is, in a way, miraculous…but that’s another conversation entirely). Here’s the basic pattern:

1) Idea floats to me (among the thousands of others I receive every second).
2) Idea sticks with me and keeps popping up. I can’t remove the notion from my brain for too long before it returns. Sometimes, this is exceptionally annoying.
3) I realize that I want to act on that idea.
4) But I don’t act on it yet; I’ll think about it more. (Usually, this is resistance rearing its ugly head, sometimes in the form of laziness, sometimes in the form of fear. Although part of me wants to act on the idea, part of me does not.)
5) The desire to act on the idea takes over >50% of me, in effect, defeating the resistant side.
6) I still don’t do anything.
7) I get frustrated because I’m not doing anything. (If an idea has hung around this long, then it’s probably meant-to-be.)
8) I finally tell someone about the idea.
9) Idea is acted on.

Okay, there are probably a few steps in between 8 and 9, but generally, after I open up about whatever idea I have, balls start rolling. Usually, I discover that, with help, the action is not so difficult. Sometimes, simply voicing what I want makes it less intimidating or more significant than initially thought.

All that to get to today’s furtive share. I want to do more with my music. Therefore, I am opening up my MySpace music page and will be accepting friends in the near future. (No, I have not accepted any friends on my MySpace music page. I never tell anyone about it, and when friends find me, I explain to them that I never add anyone. Pretty odd…but true.)

Anyway, step one is adding a prominent link to it here. Then, I will be sending the link out via email. HUGE for me. But do I expect anyone to hear me if I never tell anyone about what I do? I have to make a move that reflects my passion for the music.

Hopefully, this will lead to more performing. If I can open up online, perhaps I can make connections and open up live.

In any case, I have uploaded songs from a recent live concert I gave in the Heights. My wonderful friend Nancy recorded it, and I think the sound trumps that of my old laptop recordings. Another friend took some pics, and those will also be available very soon. So – enjoy my page. Enjoy the music. And if you have any ideas, feel free to share.

Here’s to being one of those wacky people who posts everything about herself online! Ah, Michelle, welcome to the 21st century…

Oh! And here’s the link to my music:
http://www.myspace.com/michellecowanmusic

Points on a Pendulum's Path

Life is ebb and flow, contraction and stretching, pulling in and pushing out. It's many different forces all at once, and somehow we balance in the midst of all of them. At least, that's the goal.

I can go too far. I can stay too safe. I am a pendulum swinging sometimes, one moment in perfect rhythm, another moment at startling extremes. But everything is allowed.

How would I know what it feels like to feel steady if I didn't also know what it feels like to be out of synch? How would I know happiness without sadness or loneliness without social overwhelment. Hitting the extremes reminds me that the middle is excellent, if at times boring. It's a trade-off of sorts: live at the extremes for excitement and precarious or frightening emotions, or live in the middle for solidarity of mind but also eventual boredom. When the boredom hits, I'm out the door, stretching again.

For quite some time, I believed that one way had to be better than another or that I had to choose how I wanted to live my life. Was I the kind of person who wanted to live an exciting, spontaneous life full of fun, adventure, and ripped-to-shreds emotions? Or was I the type to choose a quiet life, reading and calm, resting in the cradle of nature and thought? Both options still appeal to me.

However, now, instead of choosing one or the other, I am beginning to see that I can choose both - and everything in the middle.

At times, I feel wild and crazy and want to go-go-go. I shift into social overdrive, my performance gear kicks in, and I fly high for days. Other times, I want the world to completely stop and suck me into a black hole. I barely leave my house. I may try to do music; I may go to the grocery store. In that space, I frequently feel sad for a while...and WANT to feel sad. Letting sorrow take over occasionally rejuvenates my spirit and enables me to leave my house with a smile on my face once more, or to stay in my house but be able to laugh with more joy than ever.

Other times, I feel the peace of resting in the middle. It will seem as though I have the right amount of social engagement and the right amount of alone time. I find a balance between work, exercise, thinking, music, and just being myself. I accept all things and feel incredibly loving.

In each of these states, I wonder if I should perhaps be another way. Do I need more alone time? Am I not going out enough? Am I getting bored with this "balanced living"?

Truth is, each state works for me in some way - and typically also works against me. None of them are all good or all bad. They are simply points along the trajectory of my pendulum, and I can embrace them all without fear that I am not doing enough.

I'm still learning this, learning to trust that I can enjoy my propensities in each individual moment and also that I will eventually have different propensities. Although it sometimes feels like I will be sad and socially reluctant forever, that stage has always passed, and I have entered many an extroverted stint. Perhaps my introverted phases last longer or are more numerous, but I am learning that this is just me. I like that.

I also regularly return to balance after toying with the extremes, slowly seeing that the middle is not necessarily better than the edges. The extremes teach me. The state of balance is where I enjoy the fruits of those lessons. I'm still learning. I'm still confused. I still distrust myself. But I am learning to love others and myself for all the different ways we think and feel at various points in our lives. None of us is one way all the time.

Knowing myself means, in part, knowing that one, static definition of me cannot encompass the many phases that make up who I am. I never stop growing. Forward is the only direction (even though it feels like backwards sometimes). And the essential nature of humanity defies permanent labels.

Hooray for change and acceptance!

Putting Feet to Creative Ideas

People engage in the most interesting creative projects! Check out this one I learned about from Pop!Tech:

http://www.wefeelfine.org/

The We Feel Fine system searches new blog entries all across the Internet for the phrases "I feel" and "I am feeling." It then records the full sentence and identifies the feeling expressed (e.g., sad, tired, happy). It also records the demographic and geographic information (including weather) of the blogger if possible along with any picture associated with the blog post.

All of this information is kept in a database from which the site constructs all sorts of combinations and stories. It displays the data in all sorts of artistic and insightful ways. Some of the quote/photo combinations are wonderful. Go to the site to learn more about it. It's worth a visit.

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And definitely go to the Pop!Tech site to download videos of some incredible people discussing some of the most interesting topics I've ever encountered. The 2008 conference is streaming live right now! The video featured above is from the 2007 conference, but numerous "Pop!Casts" from this year's and previous years' conferences are housed their for everyone's viewing pleasure! And believe me, it's a pleasure.

Hopefully, I will start pursuing my own projects at some point rather than exclusively learning from others. For today, I did some songwriting, but I keep feeling that I could do more. And I'm probably right.

However, I refuse to discount learning. Sure, I'm excusing my avoidance of building my music career or developing myself in new ways or helping others, but I'm also setting an intention to do those things and even joining groups that should help me get better integrated into the music scene (GoGirls). How hard should I push myself? And how honest am I being about how I use my eating disorder to distract me from my dreams?

Can I let go of distractions/habits like the eating disorder and my own laziness or fear? Can I open myself up to more creative time? This story is still being written.

Another Successful Performance - Let's Do More!

Last night, I gave an amazing concert at the home of a friend. The entire experience was a true treasure. Of course, stress and dozens of little inconveniences littered the week before, resulting in me waking up on Saturday morning with no desire to put on the show that evening. However, I'd already invited friends, and I knew that performing would ultimate feed my soul more than a day of moping.

Nonetheless, it was hard to get through the day. My apartment complex lost power, and I had to deal with some incorrect debit card charges from a coffee house I'd visited earlier in the week. Luckily, the Bayou City Art Festival was going on, so I took a break from adult life to peruse the wares downtown.

All this to say that I stepped "on stage" (in my friend's living room) with virtually none of the preparation that usually goes into the makings of a Michelle show. I even showed up late to the event! Yes, true musician style. The week before had been too packed with layoffs at work (thank you, financial crisis!), apartment complex issues, medical appointments, and all the other things I fret about needlessly. During the week, of course, I in no way related my stress to nervousness about the upcoming performance. A serious oversight, it turned out.

On Saturday, my insides felt so squeezed and turned inside out, I didn't know what to do. Restlessness spread throughout my system. The smallest things began to stress me out. I held on tighter and tighter to accomplishing all the tasks I needed to to do, and when I saw that I would be unable to complete them all, I felt a breakdown coming on.

But instead, I stepped out of it and lived through the restlessness. The power went out; I went to the art festival, where my mother and a friend accompanied me and got my mind off of the stressors. I had to go prep my friend's house after that and get a few refreshments. I also needed to take a shower and go over a few songs. Well, I didn't go over the songs. No time! I handed it over to my higher power and hoped for the best. Before I left for the concert, I even took a short run to try to shake all the stress out of my body. Just that little bit worked, and I noted that I could have given up a few of my to-dos earlier in favor of more centering (although less outwardly "productive") activities. I am trying to let go and learn how to balance.

What can I say? Today, those restless feelings have vanished, replaced by a curious peace, knowing that I have expressed myself in one of the ways I feel most truly alive. Friends came together from various parts of my life; everything converged.

I could go into the many, many issues that come up during and after the concert, but it all feels far too private for the Internet. Suffice it to say that every time I perform, I feel whole. I know that I am doing what I was meant to do. Singing is my gift, to myself and to the world.

So why do I avoid it? A frightening vulnerability occurs when I perform nowadays. I no longer sing for my family or to win prizes or to be famous. I sing for myself and for love. Last night, I openly shared events from my life, both in the lyrics of the songs and in my transitional banter, that I have not spoken of with anyone. People asked me where songs had come from. They wanted back stories; they wanted to go deeper. A channel opened where suddenly I was able to transmit part of myself to a group of people and receive a thousand blessings in return.

This gift sounds irresistible. Why do I resist it? Fear. Playing music for me is like unzipping my chest and exposing something deeply personal. I may be performing, but when I do, people see ME. And while I long for that, for people to see the true Michelle, I am human. I know that the true Michelle could still be rejected or that I would somehow be misinterpreted. Many fears. I can't think of them all right now because they all seem silly when what I gain out of the performance experiences so far transcends any potential negativity.

Perhaps an even greater resistance lies in a bit of laziness and simple ignorance or lack of talent in certain, more logistical elements of being a musician. It's difficult for me to find venues and plan in advance to play somewhere. I always tell myself that I am perfectly capable of doing that, and I am. But that doesn't mean I WANT to do those things. I just want to perform...la la la...but it takes some footwork to get there.

Fortunately, as my courage and fortitude grows, it's getting easier to imagine and easier to tackle the logistics as I play more and more. Each time I perform, I realize the potential within me and strengthen my resolve to put legs to my dreams (even though my dreams regarding music are quite vague).

Last night, I got several ideas of places to play, and I also enlisted the help of others to get those shows off the ground. I realize that while I can craft songs and lyrics (and even my own stage persona) myself, I cannot craft an entire music career on my own. I am in particular need of manager types who will say, "Hey Michelle, want to play _____ on _____ day and time?" It's surprisingly easy for me to say yes to that. Finding it all on my own is another ordeal entirely.

So - I am learning to ask for help once more, but more than that, I'm learning exactly what I need to ask for help in doing. I am getting a better idea of my actual needs. I've always known that I need help, but it's hard to ask people for help without a specific request in mind. Now, I can approach people and ask if they can look for venues for me to perform in and relay the information to me. I can even ask them to contact some venues for me. While there are certainly things I need to do, there are people out there willing to assist.

In any case, a friend made a digital recording of the concert, so hopefully, I will find a couple of solid-sounding songs to disseminate to you all online. Another friend took what I'm sure will be fantastic photos, so you never know, I could have the beginnings of a nice little promo package. We'll see.

For now, I'm enjoying the calm that comes from being authentically me and facing challenges with openness and bravery. I have dealt with quite a bit of loss in the past few weeks and am rising stronger than ever. Most of all, I am thankful for true friends who actually "get" me, as much as anyone can.

For today, I am letting go of all the to-dos and remembering that everything will be taken care of. I am searching for that balance between taking responsibility and letting go. It often seems like I have so much on my plate. Right now, I just want to give it up so that the creativity can flow. Oh, but I hold on so tightly. So tightly. Last night, I released. It was definitely a ritual that bears repeating.

Ah, Weight - My Least Favorite Subject...

The company I work for kicked off a new weight loss program/competition today. What I heard from those who attended the kick-off meeting sounds mostly positive. This program appears to promote a healthy lifestyle rather than a flash-in-the-pan diet. Unfortunately, I still sense a clear focus on good vs. bad foods and a pressure to exercise that can turn unhealthy. Plus, the whole idea of competing to lose weight unnerves me. Such pressure, along with unknown, intangible standards of success!

Every body is different. Some people will be larger than others. Any time a program involves setting goal weights, etc., I get a bit leery. Yes, I understand that goals help us work toward achieving what we desire, but how does one determine his or her ideal weight other than by simply eating when hungry/stopping when full for an extended period of time? Sure, you can probably come up with a sensible 25 pound range or something, but… Ugh, the whole thing makes me nauseous.

I haven’t weighed myself in almost four years, and I have never missed it. Sure, it makes coming up with my current weight tough when I’m asked for it on driver’s license or other identification forms, but I usually just guess at something that seems right. I wouldn’t trade my peace of mind for anything. I refuse to measure myself according to a number like that.

When I last weighed myself (a few months after embarking on a new kind of recovery plan), I was much larger than I am now. Because of a doctor’s slip-up a couple of years ago, I do have some idea of where I stand weight-wise although I cannot remember the exact number she told me. Of course, as I bring that up, I have to tell the entire tale of that slip-up:

The doctor noticed that I had lost some weight over the year prior and wanted to congratulate me. I specifically noted my history of eating disorders on my paperwork, but apparently, she chose to ignore that. I’m grateful for the sentiment, I guess, but I didn’t really need to lose weight in the first place. The slight weight loss was simply due to consistently not bingeing and riding my bike a bit more. My question is: Why did no one congratulate me for gaining weight at times when that was necessary?

Anyway, the focus on weight and the notion that there is a “right” one concerns me. I long to stand up in my workplace and yell, “I hate diets!” I do. But yet, I am never sure how much to expose in the workplace. I still struggle some with food and exercise, and that has always held me back in terms of forthright participation in ED activism. Ultimately, though, who says I have to have “perfect” recovery before I can speak out? Me. I’m the only one.

I’m afraid that I will relapse and look like a fool if I am too open about my passion for eating disorder recovery. I’m afraid people will say, “It seems like she still has an eating disorder.” Right now, I want to ditch that fear. No one can take away the progress I have made. I will always have farther to go. I will always want to do better. But I can accept where I am right now and acknowledge how far I’ve come with a hardy pat on the back.

For anyone out there, you’ve come so far! Don’t hide it. Speak out. We’ll see if I’m able to in coming weeks. I have no idea how this workplace competition will affect me, but already, it makes me want to speak out and tell the story of body image from my perspective. More will be revealed…