Sometimes, I feel like the designated Cosmic Container of Sorrow. I have no personal reason to be sad, except the usual underlying sadness that most humans carry, but I cry and lay around and feel sadness pumping through me so often. I even relish it! I feel happy to feel sad. I feel happy to feel anything, so I pick up sadness and run.
I think that if some divine hand were to affirm my role as the “Cosmic Container of Sorrow,” I would be more accepting of it. I could hold my head high as a strong person, capable of taking on and expressing the sorrow of the universe, rather than pondering over my feelings and wondering why I’m not happy-go-lucky or if I am just a whiney baby.
I’m not a crybaby, I don’t think. One of the things that makes the sadness linger is often my reluctance to share my weakened, sad condition with others. And as I said in an earlier post, I’m working to open up earlier and more often. But recognizing that doesn’t make it easier. The sadness I felt earlier today is fading right now, but oh, it gets so strong.
I definitely long for other emotional people to share these things with, but I find myself consistently stymied when trying to think of who to call or talk to. I wish people would come out of the woodwork and help me express my emotions. I imagine someone who would stick with me through my ups and downs and my frequent lack of desire to be with people. He or she would also encourage me to get out and be with others when appropriate.
Immediately following this fantasy, I realize that no one will probably be able to do that. Perhaps… I believe in miracles. But until the miracle happens, I have to learn to do these things myself. Will I??
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I’m also in the midst of looking for more ways to expand in the virtual realm. Will I create my own website? Possibly. Will I try to use it as a landing page where I can advertise myself as a speaker and performer? I would. I just have to explore the available avenues. I can build a web presence, and I can create a community space for people to come together. I am interested in these things.
Hmmm, now I’m fantasizing about someone who can help me do that. Ugh… Do I really have to bother with making friends and all that jazz?? ;)