Potential

I got to thinking about potential today – how our American culture seems, at some level, obsessed with living up to one's potential. When will we wake up and see the truth? No one, not even the most successful among us, lives up to their potential.

There are several different ways to approach this topic. Dating, for instance.  I've dated many people based on their potential, and I can't express how monumentally disappointing that's been.  Even if people change or grow, they still rarely match up with the wonderful ideal I build of them in my head. The day inevitably comes when I have to admit that this person I'm dating is not the same as the idealized potential person I've been carrying around in my mind. They are who they are. And that person isn't the right one for me.

Another way to look at it is more personal.  Am I living up to my potential? At least 98% of the time, I don't believe I am. From my perspective, I am filled with infinite potential, and my mind rather recklessly believes that I can attain the fullest expression of that potential. But practically (and obviously), I cannot. Infinite potential?  Definitely not attainable. Infinity 101.

So then, I wonder if I need to erect some kind of slightly sub-infinite version of the potential me. I may never be able to be the perfect person in my head, but perhaps I can be something close to it. Once again, this is a trap. Which parts of my infinite potential do I give up?  Which parts do I alter? Which pieces do I remove?  To take away pieces of my potential is to take away pieces of myself and to blind myself to the kind of creation I actually am. I'm creating a kind of Frankenstein monster that I think I'm more likely to evolve into, which completely devalues who I really am.

The truth is: I AM my fullest potential.  At all times, my potential lives actively within me. There is no "living up" to it or attaining it.  At certain times, the light of my potential emanates from me more than others. But all the while, it exists.  It flourishes in my soul.

The trap that ensnares me is the idea that this potential should manifest itself in particular ways. One lie tells me that because I have a vast reservoir of untapped musical talent, I should have a lucrative and respected musical career. This belief traps me. It seems like a reasonable goal, and because it seems reasonable, my mind decides it has a right to beat me up about not achieving it – at least, not achieving the version of it that I see in my head.

Under my reservoir of musical talent is a base-level propensity toward creativity. I am a person who takes ideas and makes them real. Songwriting is only one form of creation. This part of my soul manifests in other ways. The problem here is that I value certain manifestations above others. In fact, some manifestations are entirely invisible to me. For instance, I feel quite accomplished when I finish a song, send a thoughtful card in the mail, or write a blog post. These are measureable feats for which I can pat myself on the back. On the other hand, I devalue activities like writing in my journal, cleaning my home, rearranging the pillows on my bed, planning the day ahead, drawing while watching television, or calling a friend just because I thought of him.

All these activities could be expressions of creativity. I'm bringing ideas into the physical realm. But somehow, I miss it.  I miss the fact that I am expressing my potential at all times. I miss the reality that my potential can be called upon at any time, in all situations. I miss all the wonderful things I do and the wonderful person I am even when I do nothing.

When I think I'm not living up to my potential, I beat myself up. I tell myself that I could be doing more, saying more, or making more.  I always need to be "more" than I am.

But there is no "more" than I am.  I am already all of me.

It's been instilled in me as an American that I need to find a way to use every ounce of potential I possess to create a life and, really, a person named Michelle that lives up to all she is "meant" to be. I have somehow been taught to think that I have to work very hard to make this happen.

These days, I suspect that I don’t need to work very hard at all to live up to my potential. The way to be the full, rich person I am is, instead, to let go. Everything I hold onto only holds me back. I have to let go of ideas about who I should be. I have to let go of rules I've accepted or set for myself. I have to let go of dreams. I have to let go of problems. I have to let go of friends, of lovers, and of having everything the way I want it.

When I let go, I fall into the hand of a higher power that knows exactly where I need to be.  That higher power knows exactly who I am – all of my potential – even if no one else does. The natural world supports me letting go and flowing along to its rhythm.

When I let go of trying, I become exactly who I really am, and that person might surprise me. I may think I know what my fullest potential is, but the truth is that I have no clue. Why try to live up to an image of Michelle that may not be anything like me?  For all I know, I am so far from my true potential, the only thing that will get me there is to completely let go and fall for miles into a completely new life and way of thinking.

For today, I give up the search for potential. Today, I know that I am already living up to my potential and that I am loved and accepted by everything that matters most. I am today. I show up for today. And daily, I am becoming a greater expression of the beautiful light that lives within me, even if I can' see it.

Sidetracked by Fear

I’ll admit it.  I got a little distracted this week, but I’ve nailed down the culprit: fear. In my first week of self-employment, I decided to pursue a job as an assistant. It was advertised as only around 10-15 hours per week, and even though the pay was minimal, it sounded good to have some sort of steady income on the side.

I interviewed for the position and was accepted, but after three days on the job—yes, three days—I realized that assisting is not my strong suit.

Besides the basic disconnect between my personality and everything an assistant should be, the entire time, I was thinking, “I need to be working on my own business.  I need to be growing my own client base.”  Even though my new boss had a lovely personality, explained things as best she could, and didn’t ask for too much, I couldn’t do it. I needed more time to get into the rhythm of my new life.

The honest truth is that I don’t know how much extra time I have. I’m working all the time, so it would appear that I have no extra hours to spend running errands at near-minimum wage. I could be spending a few hours finding clients who will pay my full fees instead of bringing only a handful of dollars home at a time, or I could be devoting energy to my true love: music.

But my client list is short and the gigs do not pay that much. It’s frightening. I have dozens of contacts, contracts with a number of different organizations, and no offers. I’m finding small projects, but I have to cross my fingers that I will continue to find more.  I’m getting more and more music gigs, which is fabulous, but I would prefer more paying ones. It’s rough. No wonder I reach out for the familiarity of a “regular” job.

Anyway, my side job cut into valuable morning creative hours and gave me such stress attacks that I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. I wanted to be there for my boss.  I really did.  But my heart was not there, and I felt overwhelmed by every aspect of assistantship. Being at someone’s beck and call is not my forte. When set on default, I’m a “my way or the highway” thinker who believes that she knows best in just about every situation. (I’m not saying that I think I am correct in this mindset or that I act on this mode of thinking most of the time, but it is my instinct to insist that I’m right.) Bottom line: If my kneejerk reaction to authority is “no way,” what am I doing trying to take orders for a living!? 

I quit.  For the second time this month, I quit.  It didn’t feel good.  I hated leaving my new boss in the lurch. But it’s what needed to happen. I have to follow my heart, which knows that I will get more business over time. I ended the job the best way I could, finished out my duties for the week, and went home to look for work.

My days are already filled with engagements and networking events and jobs that I need to concentrate on. I want to grow my own vision, not someone else’s, wonderful though it may be.

At the end of the day, I got back to my dream, to my vision, and to the challenge before me. I have to lay a strong foundation for my music and writing/editing business before I desperately reach out for new, “regular” jobs. I must let myself be free for a while. I am doing everything I need to do. No need to get distracted.  Keep walking forward. It will all work out… I’m choosing to believe that.

The Battle Is On

Well, I'm at it again.  If I said I was reminiscing about my time bingeing in college, I would be misrepresenting the current state of affairs. For the past two (possibly more) weeks, the binge has been all sorts of ON.  I am not bingeing every day, nor am I eating all the time.  However, most days, I cross the line.  At least three times, I've completely gorged myself—and not on the low-cal fruit and veggie fare that has become a staple over the last couple of years.  I'm veering more in the direction of my fantasies, the ones I never fulfilled during college—the boxes of cookies, assorted desserts, whole loaves of bread, and more. 

I am completely aware of what I am doing as I do it. I know I'm eating too much, and I usually embark on the binge when not particularly hungry. I know that I am using food for the following reasons:

• Reduce anxiety
• Feel comfort
• Gain a sense of liberation from rules and restrictions

It’s a distraction from the overwhelming amount of things going on in my life.  The vast majority of my life is positive and good.  I feel empowered.  Sure, I feel frustrated with my day job, longing to live without the time constraint of a 40 hour work week. But I am taking conscious steps to one day move into full time writing and music making.  I struggle to remain patient as opportunities spring up around me and as I grow and mature in new ways.  Doors are opening, new people are entering my world, and I am uncovering untapped emotional worlds to investigate and unknot. 

These are all positive movements, but movement requires energy. And if I don’t know where I’m moving, it entails fear.  It’s difficult for me to book gigs, which requires facing rejection and dealing with unpredictable (and often unreliable) human beings.  As I deepen my relationships with others, I trust and am let down multiple times.  I wonder if I really am strong enough to continue to speak my truth and be myself out in the world.  Will people like my music?  Will people be annoyed by me?  Can I ask for the time I need at work?  Will I have enough money to live on?

I eat not only to distract myself and feel numb or slightly comforted.  I eat because I’m afraid.

Food is safe.  Food has been with me in good times and in bad.  Now, as I chart new territory, can I leave it behind? I think that, in a way, the food obsession itself is afraid of me letting go of it. 

I will let go; I will move into my new quarters. Until then, though, I seem to be inching my way along, with the food as a crutch to get me through this initial fear and pain. 

Examining old scars, working to make new connections, and walking through doors is scary but necessary. I do not want to stunt my growth any further with an eating disorder. It’s time to say goodbye.

My first instinct in the midst of turmoil is to redirect, to change course, to figure out what I’m doing wrong and fix it.  I used to think (and still often do), “What is wrong with me that is causing me to binge?”  This time, I’m not changing course.  This time, I believe that the bingeing is not an indication that I am on the wrong track.  It’s a sign that I am on the right one… and that I am afraid.

Goals

At certain times in life, we devote ourselves to a particular goal. Applying for universities, training for a competition, completing a work project, and dealing with family crises require single-minded determination and commitment. I thrive on that kind of direction. As a task-oriented person, I appreciate anything that requires the outlining of steps and a systematic, wholehearted approach. No distractions. Priorities are clear. The actions that are best rise easily and promptly to the surface.

At other times, however, I feel as though I’m wandering aimlessly. I’m not trying to get into school; I’m not recovering from a trauma of any sort. I’m not called upon to help anyone or join an activist movement. I try to think of goals. I meditate and ask for direction, for desire, for guidance toward an area of focus, but I receive nothing.

I don’t necessarily dislike these times. As long as I feel content, goals mean nothing. I do crave a sense of accomplishment and achievement, and that desire eventually leads me to the adoption of a certain goal. I kind of prefer the quiet happiness of a life well lived. In the last few years, I’ve come face to face with how little “success” really matters.

Despite my semi-“enlightened” viewpoint, I can’t shake the feeling that the world looks down upon such aimlessness. Everyone (including a little part of me) expects me to have a purpose, or at least be striving toward the discovery of that purpose. This gets tough, especially now, as I look back upon many months, months that have turned into years, rather sparsely decorated with goal achievement of any kind.

Then again, I do see some of the goals I reached. To my ego’s dismay, most of those goals have been quite personal and internal, like overcoming fears, learning to love, appreciating the gifts of depression, and many times, just getting through the day. No one sees those. I don’t get paid any money or get many pats on the back for those things. It’s hard to build up that sense of accomplishment with intangibles (no matter how valuable they may be).

Now, I’m 27 years old. I’m considering returning to graduate school, but I don’t know what I want to study. Art history? Curatorial/museum studies? Comparative religion? Anthropology? I’m not sure. Do I want to move? Where? Do I want to change careers? How much effort do I want to put into music? Do I want to pursue it passionately? Do I need to complete the building of my own web site? Do I want to do more freelance editing and writing? How much time should I put into dance? What about my spiritual activities? What do I want to do?

With such a mountain of choices, I can’t think. I can’t pick one. Or rather, I don’t pick one. Instead, I slip in and out of each interest, knowing that if I commit to one, it would flourish. But I feel stymied in the face of decision “Just choose!” I tell myself – yes, in a very demanding tone. Unfortunately, that kind of pressure only makes it more difficult.

How do I escape the pressure from the world and within to strive after a particular goal? If the pressure were released, I have no doubt that my most authentic desires would take hold, and I could pursue something in a directed way.

How?

Focus on now, and focus on the goals I know I have: I want to love as best I can and accept love with grace. I want to bring my true self to the fore in all areas of life and remain honest in a kind way. I want to enjoy each moment to the fullest and share that joy with others. I want to walk through fear.

Those goals feel a little vague to me. Perhaps they need some refining to help me direct my energy. I’ll do that… probably. In the meantime, I see that if I can focus on those credos, I can have a happy life. I can feel accomplished. I can bring light to the world. It’s about affirming to myself that no yardstick that would dare measure me provides any kind of accurate estimate of my worth. It’s enough to simply love and enjoy life.

Still, that desire for accomplishment lingers. Can I trust that focusing on my more eternal goals will lead me toward authentic choices and a satisfying life path? I’m not sure if I even like the idea of a path! With me, the questions never end.

Nonetheless, I advocate choosing. Just choose. I still want to pick something to pursue. I want to love something enough that I’m willing to commit to my choice for more than a day. This skipping around between goals is wearing me down.

Maybe I need to bring my broader life goals back more firmly into consciousness. Maybe instead of asking for direction and looking for an answer in my quiet hours, I can meditate on the goals I already know I have, the truly important goals.

Ah, that sounds satisfying. That sounds like new way I haven’t tried yet. The key always seems to be perspective. Look at the issue in a new way, and the doors can fly open. We shall see. For now, I’m still learning to value the meandering trajectory as much as the beeline.

Imagination and Pumpkin Water

Okay, orange water is coming out of my faucets, and loud, vacuum-like sounds vibrate up from my neighbor’s apartment. A small but strong man in jeans and a sweaty tee-shirt keeps walking in and out of her front door, and a rectangular contraption sits just outside the entry with hook-ups that suggest it may have been connected to a water supply of some sort. Without a thorough knowledge of plumbing (or any large-scale household maintenance activity), I can piece together a vague storyline, all of which culminates in tangerine-colored bathwater. Fortunately, only the hot water appears pigmentally afflicted; not all temperatures could hope to be as lucky.

Anyhow, the actual sequence of events probably differs from my invention, but reality doesn’t really matter, as long as my water clears up shortly after the small but strong man finishes his work. Only if the watercolor display continues will I have to investigate the truth. Until then, this scenario and my way of coping with it reflects how I interact with life.

I try to make sense of things. Something happens, and I try to make it work within my ideas of “sense.” If what happens does not fit my beliefs or ideas, my brain tries to frame it in a story that seems rational inside the world my mind creates. All day long, my brain takes in countless amounts of information and processes it in a way that will jive with the world as I see it. It leaves out most of the things that would rock my boat and fits a portion of everything else into spaces that I can digest without going insane.

I can’t help but wonder what I might be missing out on. What am I seeing that does not make it to my consciousness? And how can I open up my mind a little bit more so that I can see opportunities and miracles my brain instinctively closes off from me?

The key, for me, is imagination. I’ve said for quite some time that my greatest potential gift to the world is my thought life. I have wonderful thoughts, but I agonize over my inability or lack of motivation to do anything with them. Thankfully, just having the thoughts might be enough.

Our thoughts shape our reality. And I also believe thoughts are catching. Listen to anything about quantum physics, and you’ll find that science agrees. All of us are passing thoughts, ideas, and information back and forth all the time.

My explanation of the pumpkin-colored water is just as meaningful as the “real” explanation. My theory may not correspond with actual events, but it has value in that it gives me peace and allows me to navigate through my day. For my neighbor, the events as she knows them are enabling her to make choices that help her make it to evening-time as well.

The more I live, the more life appears to be about opening up and admitting that I don’t know. Maybe there are things I think I know and things that help me survive and enjoy life, but unless I stay open to the idea that I could be wrong, I close myself off to infinite numbers of opportunities and experiences.

It can be so hard to admit that I might not know certain things. Letting go of firmly held beliefs can elicit extreme fear and worry; the more tightly held the belief, the higher the emotional intensity of releasing it. But for every belief I have laid down in favor of investigating the world, the spirit, and other people, I have gained multitudes more in adventure, excitement, and peace. At first, letting go of my way and my life feels like ripping away any hope of tranquility. But it has never taken long to see that, really, leaving my expectations behind tears down walls that hide vast, colorful worlds of potential.

I can’t count the number of people I might never have seen, places I may never have visited, ideas I may never have learned, or loves I may never have felt had I not relinquished my expectations. Each experience of letting go paves the way for newness to come in and old habits to fall away.

I return to imagination. For much of my life, my imaginative spirit was shrugged off or patronized as a cute, childlike attribute, but now I see it as an incredible asset. With the ability to imagine life as anything, I have experienced more than anyone could have told me I would. No one can describe all of the different places life could take me, but I can imagine a million. It doesn’t matter if the events as I imagine them could actually occur. By imagining my dreams, I put myself on a path toward realizing them, in whatever form they are able to materialize. I am not hemmed in by the experiences of those before me.

Foster the imagination of children. These days, the world spoon-feeds them so many ideas that they forget how to play and think and conjure possibilities for themselves. Do not shun thinking or dreaming as wastes of time. If we get too caught up in doing, we’ll end up doing the same things over and over again. As humans, we require imagination time to envision other ways of being. Daydreaming is essential.

So, back to the orange water. The noise has stopped. I check my sink. The water is back to normal. Does it matter how it cleared up? Does it matter what changed its hue in the first place? What if I had come home later today, long after the small but strong man left, and never experienced the faucet’s suspiciously rusty output? Mostly, it matters that my water has returned to a drinkable state. I got here, regardless of how.

And my life is the same. I can see where I want to be and perhaps not know how I will get there. But if I open myself up to anything, I’ll see more avenues toward that vision than I would if I walked around with “my way” blinders on.

It’s a pretty general idea, and I apply it to relationships, life goals, work projects, creative endeavors, spirituality, travel, anything! Never devalue imagination; just because what you think of may not match reality doesn’t make your thoughts worthless. Your thoughts carry you to the real things that will transport you to your destiny.

Our Little Worlds

Today, I listened to a story on This American Life about a woman who hd collected dozens of books over the years, all inscribed with dedications from loved ones. However, every dedication had been written in her own hand… and most were addressed from relatives who were no longer living at the time of the supposed signing. A mixture of thoughts came up about this. Certainly, a certain sadness surrounds her actions, but a hopefulness, too. Instead of pity or puzzlement, I primarily felt amazement at her creativity.

Personally, this sounds like something I would do. Why not imagine that people I once knew cared enough about me to give me books I truly would enjoy? Thinking of what they might say, what I’d want them to say, and the difference between the two would be very revealing. It is very revealing—an unanswerable quandary worth examining.

A second story concerned a woman who periodically quits whatever job she has in order to take care of her children, who she raises by herself. Sometimes, when she needs to return to work again, it takes months to find employment. She built a whole strategy behind looking for work, including how long to wait before she stops being picky and takes whatever job becomes available (60 days).

Do many people do this: quit jobs without having another one in their back pocket? It seems like an incredible feat to me, even though I realize that people do it all the time. It makes me wonder if I should quit my job, thereby pushing myself into a position where I have to make music, write, and be creative in other ways to make ends meet. Pushed myself into that corner strikes me as something romantic and exciting. I hope the creative juices would be forced out, and my energies could be channeled into areas I never considered before.

I have considered the quitting and blazing a new trail option many times. Just quit, I tell myself, and see what happens. I’ll have to pay the rent, so I will pay the rent. I’ll need to make money. But how? A way would emerge.

Will I one day be brave enough to step out on that ledge? Could I cope with a life without as much security as I have now? Part of me doubts it—mostly because I’ve proved how insane (for lack of a better word) I tend to become without external structures. It gets very difficult for me to live outside any set boundary or even to adhere a framework of my own creation.

Or am I not trusting in how much I’ve grown and my own abilities? What if I fully trusted myself? Do you fully trust yourself to live without a paycheck or a job to go to most days of the week? Many of you live that way. How do you feel about it? Where do your structures come from? Do you need any?

I have no idea how healthy my current thoughts and propensities in this area really are. One day, I will back myself into a corner if that’s what I want. But I’d rather find innovative ways to start shining right now, in the midst of my cushy bimonthly-paycheck-inclusive life.

But so much potential exists—in me and in every individual. How can we find the circumstances under which we will flourish and grow? Can we find the courage to look? Or will they come on their own? Is it about trying anything and everything? Is it about removing expectations and figuring out how to “show up” for life? What happens if we don’t “show up”?

Is the act of writing a dedication to yourself of the same value as a book inscribed with someone else’s writing? Is working creatively within the bounds you currently have equally important as reaching beyond boundaries and finding new places to thrive? I can only pray for avenues of expansion to appear and for me to have the motivation and bravery to walk down them. I pray the same for you.

The Small Stuff

Sometimes, a small change does the trick. Sometimes, you only need a baby step. Creativity queen SARK would call it a “micromovement.” Just do the tiniest part of a thing—and then stop. You don’t have to do any more. You can continue if you want, but you don’t have to.

I’m practicing this now, with this very blog. At the moment, I am not resorting to small-stepping for lack of motivation, but for lack of time. I need (and desire) to eat dinner and finish other things, but I want to get some thoughts down, too. So I’m writing at least a portion of this blog first, urging us all to celebrate the little accomplishments in our lives before moving on.

Every tiny action we take leads to the fulfillment of a greater goal, just as even the shortest sentences, put together, create an entire blog. The achievement of the goal needn’t be elevated above all the steps it took to get there. The pieces make the whole.

When the whole overwhelms us, it’s time for tiny movements. And I disallow the berating of ourselves for only making a small movement! Be proud. A little is more than nothing.

Sometimes, when unmotivated, I have to give myself a break and let the laziness or apathy run through me, absolutely embracing the doing of nothing. Then, the motivation mysteriously returns on its own. On the other hand, when chronic procrastination or lack of enthusiasm sticks like a cold I want to kick, I can often peer into my heart and find one small thing I don’t feel so apathetic toward. Completing that one item often gears me up to do another or satisfies me enough that the guilt over my inaction dissipates. In the midst of general indifference, something usually sparks a passion—even if only a fleeting passion—when I search for it.

By taking the steps I want to take as I am motivated to take them, I buck what I think society or other people think is best. I tend to harbor little boundaries or schemas of how things “should” be done in my subconscious. I act and face challenges based on those lies sometimes. Of course I’m not going to want to follow a method or live up to a standard that seems unfair! If a project seems too terrible to begin, it’s usually because I have pre-formed some idea of how it has to be done or what the finished product needs to be. Investigation of that idea often reveals it to be founded in fear or carried over from childhood along with all sorts of other fantasies that don’t actually correspond with reality.

Examine the boundaries you’ve put in place or the rules you think must be adhered to. Maybe those boundaries and rules are helpful. Maybe they are not. Are they even realistic? More than likely, they help at times and hinder in other instances. After identifying boundaries or rules that seem like lies, break a couple of them. Feel liberated, knowing that you can retreat to the safety of those boundaries at any time.

Moving at our own pace, according to beliefs that coincide with our authentic selves, allows us a kind of freedom that removes the need to rebel against external standards. If we are operating according to rules and notions that help us ad reflect life as it truly is, the boundaries of work and law and time don’t seem so oppressive. We can see what needs to be obeyed and what can be fudged or abandoned. When we have opened enough doors to satisfy our naturally roaming, exploring, inquisitive natures, a few padlocks don’t seem so harsh. Perhaps they can even be unlocked later, when we’re done running wildly through the worlds we’ve already made available.

Tasks we had trouble starting because it seemed like they “had” to be done or “should” be completed in a certain fashion aren’t so difficult to begin when external measurements fade in importance. We can tackle challenges and responsibilities freely, at our own pace, with an outcome that may not match other people’s standards or even our own initial impulses. This is the power of allowing (and appreciating) small steps and investigating the validity of our beliefs and standards.

So take a small step today; move into action, even if for only half a second. Then, take a rest. Check out Planet SARK for ideas. Use tiny things to your advantage, from the small steps you make to the tiny changes in your routine that keep you alive. The smallest change can make the most surprising difference. A little reminder from me to you…and me.

(See, all those sentences really add up!)

Has the Universe Assigned Me a Special Role?

Sometimes, I feel like the designated Cosmic Container of Sorrow. I have no personal reason to be sad, except the usual underlying sadness that most humans carry, but I cry and lay around and feel sadness pumping through me so often. I even relish it! I feel happy to feel sad. I feel happy to feel anything, so I pick up sadness and run.

I think that if some divine hand were to affirm my role as the “Cosmic Container of Sorrow,” I would be more accepting of it. I could hold my head high as a strong person, capable of taking on and expressing the sorrow of the universe, rather than pondering over my feelings and wondering why I’m not happy-go-lucky or if I am just a whiney baby.

I’m not a crybaby, I don’t think. One of the things that makes the sadness linger is often my reluctance to share my weakened, sad condition with others. And as I said in an earlier post, I’m working to open up earlier and more often. But recognizing that doesn’t make it easier. The sadness I felt earlier today is fading right now, but oh, it gets so strong.

I definitely long for other emotional people to share these things with, but I find myself consistently stymied when trying to think of who to call or talk to. I wish people would come out of the woodwork and help me express my emotions. I imagine someone who would stick with me through my ups and downs and my frequent lack of desire to be with people. He or she would also encourage me to get out and be with others when appropriate.

Immediately following this fantasy, I realize that no one will probably be able to do that. Perhaps… I believe in miracles. But until the miracle happens, I have to learn to do these things myself. Will I??

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I’m also in the midst of looking for more ways to expand in the virtual realm. Will I create my own website? Possibly. Will I try to use it as a landing page where I can advertise myself as a speaker and performer? I would. I just have to explore the available avenues. I can build a web presence, and I can create a community space for people to come together. I am interested in these things.

Hmmm, now I’m fantasizing about someone who can help me do that. Ugh… Do I really have to bother with making friends and all that jazz?? ;)

Putting Feet to Creative Ideas

People engage in the most interesting creative projects! Check out this one I learned about from Pop!Tech:

http://www.wefeelfine.org/

The We Feel Fine system searches new blog entries all across the Internet for the phrases "I feel" and "I am feeling." It then records the full sentence and identifies the feeling expressed (e.g., sad, tired, happy). It also records the demographic and geographic information (including weather) of the blogger if possible along with any picture associated with the blog post.

All of this information is kept in a database from which the site constructs all sorts of combinations and stories. It displays the data in all sorts of artistic and insightful ways. Some of the quote/photo combinations are wonderful. Go to the site to learn more about it. It's worth a visit.

~

And definitely go to the Pop!Tech site to download videos of some incredible people discussing some of the most interesting topics I've ever encountered. The 2008 conference is streaming live right now! The video featured above is from the 2007 conference, but numerous "Pop!Casts" from this year's and previous years' conferences are housed their for everyone's viewing pleasure! And believe me, it's a pleasure.

Hopefully, I will start pursuing my own projects at some point rather than exclusively learning from others. For today, I did some songwriting, but I keep feeling that I could do more. And I'm probably right.

However, I refuse to discount learning. Sure, I'm excusing my avoidance of building my music career or developing myself in new ways or helping others, but I'm also setting an intention to do those things and even joining groups that should help me get better integrated into the music scene (GoGirls). How hard should I push myself? And how honest am I being about how I use my eating disorder to distract me from my dreams?

Can I let go of distractions/habits like the eating disorder and my own laziness or fear? Can I open myself up to more creative time? This story is still being written.