I've Been Everywhere, Man, and I'm Still Here

I've been across the west side of this beautiful country, and I still feel very confused.  It's hard to explain the feeling inside me—the one that wants so much more (or so much different) than what I have but doesn't know exactly what that is.

I sit here in glorious Ashland, Oregon, wondering about what I want, still battling the urge to binge, still searching for mysterious signs, and trying to get in touch with my intuition.  I'm trying to listen.  I'm trying to do this thing. 

I want to go home, but I don't know where home is.  Houston doesn't feel like home anymore.  I plan to move out of the house where I'm living as soon as I return. The question is only where to go.  I am caught between the desire to write and create and the need to earn a solid income.  How solid does that income need to be?  Where will it come from? 

Even at the hardest times in my life, I've been okay.  I've been cared for.  I cherish the support I get from others, the love I feel all around me.  I cherish it and hold it dear, but all of these experiences are not reducing my level of anxiety and worry.

I changed the oil in my car today—or rather, I had some car experts do it for me.  I wish I could do a sort of oil change on myself.  I guess that's what people are looking for with detox regimens and colon cleanses, but this runs deeper than the physical. I need to change the way I see the world in some fundamental way. I need to make the pieces snap together in a way I know I cannot.  So I search.

I definitely feel like an eternal soul trapped in a mortal body, like I'm some sort of spirit that has come down to help this Michelle Cowan person make it in this world.  Sadly, the spirit part is kind of sick of doing the human thing. My spirit is stuck here, with this body at all times. I have to deal with hungers and tiredness and limited sensory capacity. I have to move linearly through time, deal with people, and adopt a limited perspective. How can I appease this restless spirit part of me?  How can I live a life in this body that satisfies my spirit?

I am, oddly, afraid that I'll wind up as a crazy homeless person or something.  I see myself as successful, peaceful, and happy, but this other, scary, deeply unsuccessful image comes to my mind, too.  It's strange. I know that I will be okay, but at the same time, I don't know if I'll be okay.  I don't even know where I want to live.  I feel like spacing out and being by myself for a while, which is what I'm doing at many points during this road trip.  Interestingly, my best moments on the journey have been with people, but I've loved the alone time, too.  I guess that means that despite my need to solitude, I need to ask for help.

Frankly, I need a job (or maybe multiple small jobs).  I have enough work to occupy me for now, but that's mostly because road tripping takes up the vast majority of my time. I will need more if I want to pay rent.  I want to go into a job at least three times a week, have friends, and live in a home I love.  I also want to do some of my work on my own time, according to my rules. That's just me and just some of the time. 

I hope that writing and music could add up to be enough, but I also need steady part-time work to give me a secure and steady salary.  What will I do, though?  What will I do that I won't absolutely hate? I feel very open, but I'm not sure what the opportunity will be. 

It occurs to me that the opportunity will come at the perfect time and that the time isn't here yet.  I wish it could get here soon.  I'm ready for it.

In an interesting sidenote, I finally have a pretty concrete idea for a novel. I'd like to bring that to fruition. I'd also like to record an album. Both projects move slowly, they are far from money makers. Perhaps I would be better served by leaving off the worry and just creating—create without financial worry.  It is possible?  Methinks yes.

Use that Radio

I am not in this alone.  None of us are. 

In this new venture of self-employment, I sometimes feel like a sailboat out to sea.  I’m not a sailor, but I can imagine it would be pretty scary to ride the winds out into the middle of the ocean, until you can’t see any other ships, only to have the wind suddenly stop. Okay, the ride out there is great, but once you're there, what do you do?  Wait until the wind starts back up? What if it doesn't start blowing?  Do you get out oars and start paddling, even though you don't know exactly where the shore is?  What do you do?

Life feels lonely like that at times, mostly because I spent so long in a regular 9-5 world.  It’s fun, believe you me, to wake up each day and get to choose which projects to pursue, which avenue to search.  It’s like having that giant wind at my back, propelling me out into the ocean.  The possibilities are endless.  I am capable and confident that I will make this work, that new clients are coming, that I am going to make a new album, find a great place to live, and have all sorts of adventures along the way.

That wind keeps me moving, keeps me actively sailing. I stay preoccupied with the wind, managing the wind, enjoying the wind.  But then, periodically, the wind stops.  It’s a lot less fun out there on my own with no wind. When I get tired, or my mind starts playing discouraging loops, or I start believing old lies about how I never do anything well enough, I feel alone and momentumless.  It’s not that I lack hope; I just get tired. 

I have to rest sometimes; I know that. But I avoid rest because when I rest, fear bubbles to the surface.  I'm not alone in wanting to avoid this. Fear can paralyze, but it can also motivate. Today, I choose to use the energy of fear to fuel me moving forward. Fear can stop my motivational wind from blowing, leaving me feeling stranded. But if I can move past the fear, I think more clearly. I think of alternative solutions, or I might look and discover a backup motor on my boat to keep me going.

But what about when moving past the fear doesn’t work?  What about those times when I keep trying to work and only feel like I’m going in circles?  Although I don't always use it, I think I've figured out the secret: I reach out.

In my little, stalled boat, I use the radio.  Yes, the radio.  I ask other people what to do.  I ask for help.  That is the secret of success. Sailing solo is great, but I will never get anywhere without help. I have to ask other people how they run their businesses.  I need financial advice.  I need leads on new clients.

I saw a financial counselor last week, and our simple hour-long discussion gave me tools I certainly didn’t have before.  Some elements left me feeling a bit overwhelmed by all I have to do, but mostly, I felt empowered because at least I now know a few steps to takes.  I don’t have to do them tomorrow, but I can start thinking about it and planning for those steps so that I am ready to do them when they get here.

So many of us who strike out on our own have long histories of getting things done ourselves.  We have false notions that we should be able to do everything on our own, that it is a sign of weakness to ask for help. But frankly, how are we supposed to start up a wind on our own?  It’s impossible.  We need help to get to where we want to be. 

That’s what I’m doing, asking for help.  It’s essential.  You can do it, too.  No matter where you are in life, it’s always good to know how other people have tacked situations so that we can tackle them with as much information as possible.

After asking for help, my next step is trusting myself to act on that information in my own time.  I don’t have to implement everything today or follow the suggestions at all.  I can wait until the time is right and my heart knows exactly what is best for me.

Reach out today!  You won't regret it.

Business Blog

Since I've been quiet for so long, I'd like to showcase some of the other work I've been doing.  Visit www.apqc.org/blog for some of my business blogging.  I write professional articles for APQC on process management, measurement, and innovation, but the blog is where I get to have fun.  Go there, and you can find most of my entries under the Business Excellence topic.  Here's a quick link: http://www.apqc.org/blog/category/business-excellence.  Fun! 

Business = fun?  Possible?  I say yes!

All Work and No Play...

Hooray for Labor Day! If you are working and are not required to by your place of employment, STOP. Enjoy the day. The to-do list will never be completed; the inbox will never empty. Let it go for one day, please.

I’m not even going to work to think of a “deeper” post. All I’m going to say is that I’m very grateful for friends and family, especially for people who take the time to accept and care about others (including me) just as they are. It feels good to be patiently loved. Thank you.

Do Your Work, and Be Kind

I am grateful for the way I do things, for Michelle’s way. It is perfect for me. I never have to be anyone else.

When I follow my authentic feelings and yearnings, things always end up okay, even if I don’t initially see how following those feelings could ever lead to success. Trying to follow the path of another or doing things as I think a successful person would always requires more energy, more striving, and more difficulty. The two roads may end up in the same place, but following the path based on my genuine propensities is more satisfying and less brutal.

The hard part is TRUSTING myself and believing that my way is just as good as any other. Despite my own doubts, I prove time and time again that I am the best at making decisions for myself and coming up with ways of living that work for me.

For instance, a new mantra is running through my mind and heart: Do my work, and be kind.

This especially helps on the job. When I am at work, I can easily focus on what I think others are or are not doing. I compare and get down on myself or resentful of others. This can then cause me to lash out in not-so-enlightened ways. I can be condescending or mean and may behave passive aggressively without realizing it until after the fact.

No more! In life and in the office, I want to do my work. I want to do the best I can and concentrate on my own goals and successes. I cannot control what other people do, but I can control the choices I make. I can decide to work diligently and complete projects, to ask people for what I need and be honest when I’m running short on time. I feel like a good worker when I focus on doing my best. Sometimes, I have to put the blinders on, but it’s always worth it. I would rather not know the office gossip and instead feel grateful for everyone who is there, helping me to do the best I can or teaching me more about myself.

Do not miss the “be kind” part of the mantra. Bottom line is: Kindness wins. Every time. I don’t care how tight the deadline or how important a project is to the executive team, treating someone inconsiderately to get the job done is not the best option. The project ends, the product fades, the memory of that week at work dissipates. But when I hurt someone, the sting stays with me.

Nothing is worth making someone else feel small. No job outweighs the value of a person’s soul. And that goes for my soul as well. Being kind to others is only possible when I am loving myself, too. I must practice self care by resting and doing my own job within appropriate limits. I don’t have to work long hours or do crazy amounts of work just because I think everyone else is. I can focus on doing my best. When I work diligently during business hours and then leave work in the office, I produce stellar work without going insane.

When I am kind both to myself and others, I forge fantastic relationships and don’t feel any shame or fear. I can confront others at work with thoughtfulness rather than resentment. I can be strong and tell people what I need without hurting them. I can clear my side of the road and let their feelings be theirs. I am no doormat, but I am kind. Frustration should not be sat on until it comes out in passive aggressive ways. Leave meanness behind and be professional, completing projects by having conversations with those I have difficulty with and being completely honest about my feelings and the situation. It may require owning my own shortcomings.

The end conclusion is this: I do not have to be a different person at work than I am in my life. The same person who makes good decisions and brings color outside the office can choose wisely at work and bring her own personality into play. All of life con reflect the newfound trust I have in myself and my abilities.

You can do it, too. Don’t let work take over your life. Incorporate work into the life you’ve lovingly built for yourself. Trust that, inside, you do know the best solution.