I've Been Everywhere, Man, and I'm Still Here

I've been across the west side of this beautiful country, and I still feel very confused.  It's hard to explain the feeling inside me—the one that wants so much more (or so much different) than what I have but doesn't know exactly what that is.

I sit here in glorious Ashland, Oregon, wondering about what I want, still battling the urge to binge, still searching for mysterious signs, and trying to get in touch with my intuition.  I'm trying to listen.  I'm trying to do this thing. 

I want to go home, but I don't know where home is.  Houston doesn't feel like home anymore.  I plan to move out of the house where I'm living as soon as I return. The question is only where to go.  I am caught between the desire to write and create and the need to earn a solid income.  How solid does that income need to be?  Where will it come from? 

Even at the hardest times in my life, I've been okay.  I've been cared for.  I cherish the support I get from others, the love I feel all around me.  I cherish it and hold it dear, but all of these experiences are not reducing my level of anxiety and worry.

I changed the oil in my car today—or rather, I had some car experts do it for me.  I wish I could do a sort of oil change on myself.  I guess that's what people are looking for with detox regimens and colon cleanses, but this runs deeper than the physical. I need to change the way I see the world in some fundamental way. I need to make the pieces snap together in a way I know I cannot.  So I search.

I definitely feel like an eternal soul trapped in a mortal body, like I'm some sort of spirit that has come down to help this Michelle Cowan person make it in this world.  Sadly, the spirit part is kind of sick of doing the human thing. My spirit is stuck here, with this body at all times. I have to deal with hungers and tiredness and limited sensory capacity. I have to move linearly through time, deal with people, and adopt a limited perspective. How can I appease this restless spirit part of me?  How can I live a life in this body that satisfies my spirit?

I am, oddly, afraid that I'll wind up as a crazy homeless person or something.  I see myself as successful, peaceful, and happy, but this other, scary, deeply unsuccessful image comes to my mind, too.  It's strange. I know that I will be okay, but at the same time, I don't know if I'll be okay.  I don't even know where I want to live.  I feel like spacing out and being by myself for a while, which is what I'm doing at many points during this road trip.  Interestingly, my best moments on the journey have been with people, but I've loved the alone time, too.  I guess that means that despite my need to solitude, I need to ask for help.

Frankly, I need a job (or maybe multiple small jobs).  I have enough work to occupy me for now, but that's mostly because road tripping takes up the vast majority of my time. I will need more if I want to pay rent.  I want to go into a job at least three times a week, have friends, and live in a home I love.  I also want to do some of my work on my own time, according to my rules. That's just me and just some of the time. 

I hope that writing and music could add up to be enough, but I also need steady part-time work to give me a secure and steady salary.  What will I do, though?  What will I do that I won't absolutely hate? I feel very open, but I'm not sure what the opportunity will be. 

It occurs to me that the opportunity will come at the perfect time and that the time isn't here yet.  I wish it could get here soon.  I'm ready for it.

In an interesting sidenote, I finally have a pretty concrete idea for a novel. I'd like to bring that to fruition. I'd also like to record an album. Both projects move slowly, they are far from money makers. Perhaps I would be better served by leaving off the worry and just creating—create without financial worry.  It is possible?  Methinks yes.

The Atomic Grill Saved My Life - or at Least My Evening

The Atomic Grill is the Empire Café of Santa Fe, and I couldn't be more pleased to have stumbled upon it.  The restaurant I had gone in search of was already closed (at 8 pm on a Sunday), and I worried that I would go into a hunger-psychosis if I didn't find something else quickly. Anyone who has experienced my hunger-psychoses knows that they are to be avoided at all costs. Fortunately, I kept it together with a few soothing mantras as I proceeded to get totally lost near downtown Santa Fe. 

I can only assume that a higher power guided me to a vacant parking spot on the street. After checking the menus of two places on that block and deeming them too expensive and too devoid of vegetables, I happened to cross the street toward a park square where I saw twenty-something hipsters hanging out on a brightly lit patio. Something told me it was the perfect spot!  It stays open late, serves breakfast all day (including build-your-own omelets), provides free wifi, employs emo/hipster servers, and offers an assortment of homemade pies.  The Atomic Grill is an Empire Café doppelganger if I ever saw one.  And I loved it!

I was finally able to get a little bit of work done tonight while sitting in the cool evening air on the Atomic patio. I drove from Lubbock to Santa Fe this morning, landing at the Puye Cliff Dwellings 45 minutes north of town, in Espanola. I not only drove into the mountains, I climbed them… or one of them… to see the places in the lava rock-faced mountains where the Pueblo Indians lived centuries ago.  Needless to say, I was bushed.

While visiting the Puye Cliff Dwellings, I dared to also tour the mesa top, where tour guides show you the remains of a Pueblo fortress and take you inside an actual Pueblo kiva. Many Native American tribes use kivas as their places of worship and ceremony. Kivas are large circular pits dug in the ground where the people would come to enact rituals and speak with the gods. The top is covered with wood, and the people dig a small hole in the side to allow the fire to ventilate a bit. It felt healing just to be there—and fabulous to get out of the sun.

I was so high, above the valley, amid mountain ranges and ancient history, with my trusty Pueblo guide to answer all my questions. It brought on feelings I haven’t felt in a long time.

I am thrilled with this day—exhausted but thrilled. I wanted to wander around Santa Fe more and will try to get some wandering in in the morning. But I need to keep trucking if I want to get to Oregon in time for my cousin's wedding.  At this point, I'm not sure what's going to happen, but I do know that I can't wait to see my family in both California and Oregon… and that I'm going to bed very very soon.

Loving It in Lubbock

The road trip has begun. I left Houston on Thursday and trekked up highway 36 to Lubbock, where I met my brother Kuhrt and his wife Lindsey. Only an hour into my adventure, I took a detour to visit Blue Bell Creameries in Brenham, TX. Who could resist the lure of fresh-made ice cream (other than my brother, who mysteriously does not like ice cream all that much)? It's nearly a sin that I've lived in Houston for six years and never visited the creamery.

You'd think everyone on the tour was six year old, the way we were instantly fascinated by the fast-moving assembly lines. Ice cream sandwiches, rainbow bars, and carton after carton of oh-so-creamy ice cream, all put together and packaged before our eyes. The free scoop of ice cream at the end didn't hurt either. I'd say it was altogether worth the five dollar admission price.

Tummy happy, I was on my way. It's a beautiful drive—maybe not the most beautiful in the world, but amazing just the same. Blue skies and green expanses made me feel that I really had escaped the doldrums of my life in Houston. I'm really doing this. I popped in some Clarissa Pinkola Estes, and nourished my spirit in daydreams I can't remember.

During the last hour, lightning struck very near my car more than once. Stealth lightning that hit without thunder came before any raindrops. Luckily, I made it to my brother's house before the larger part of the storm hit.

It’s amazing what seeing a brother will do. The relationship between a brother and sister is a special thing—a jewel that varies from one brother/sister pair to another. My younger brother and I have always gotten along. Aside from occasionally terrorizing each other as children, we got along peacefully.

Because we never attended the same school at the same time, we didn't have to deal with much sibling rivalry. Sure, it probably annoyed him that my name preceded his in middle school and high school. But one conversation with Kuhrt removed any preconceptions anyone might have of him. Happily, we are very different people. Whereas I tend to be uptight, obsessive, and anxious, Kuhrt tends to be laid back, practical, and jovial. People like Kuhrt immediately, and he's one of my favorite people in the world to be around. He's absolutely a joy to talk to.  I've always been happy I have a brother—and that I have this particular brother.

Needless to say, I feel taken care of here in Lubbock. I leave for Santa Fe tomorrow, and I definitely want to hold onto the feelings of belonging I have here. My trip definitely has an introspective focus, but it's nice to temper that with connection and high-value relationships. I tend to undervalue my relationships, but more and more, I know that I cannot live without them. My touchstones on this trip will sustain me for the solitary, introspective days in between.

What's more, I played at D'Vine Wine last night. Despite another crazy storm, I had a wonderful time. People I haven't seen in ages came out to support me, and it was fun to play three hours worth of music and work on new material. Thank you so much, Vikee Clark, for the hook up!  I can't wait to come through and play again.

For now, I'm luxuriating in the fact that I am loved and that I love others. My darkest moments come when I feel most disconnected. People ground me in reality. I need my alone time to gather my inner strength and to listen to the wisdom that only comes from the soul.  And I need other people to expand my awareness and to give and receive love. Without both pieces of live, I cannot thrive. 

This trip already rocks!