Reach Out

Sometimes, I forget that one of the cures for any kind of troublesome thinking is simply opening up to someone else about what is happening or what is on my mind. No matter how trivial or ridiculous it seems, if I share my feelings or thoughts with someone, through ANY means—email, phone, in person, letter-writing, singing a song, crying when there are no words—the load lightens. I have to get the jumble of ideas or emotions out. And when I’m able to share details, it feels even better. Somehow, sharing really matters.

So obvious, and yet I forget that! Lies enter my head, like (and this is in no particular order):
1. It’s not that big a deal.
2. This is too huge/incomprehensible to deal with.
3. I’ve dealt with this a thousand times. Let’s just ride this one out.
4. I can handle this myself—or I SHOULD be able to handle this myself.
5. That person won’t be able to respond in a helpful or satisfying way.
6. I don’t want to bother someone else with this.
7. There’s no way to express this in an adequate or understandable way.

The key is replacing those lies with the following truths:
1. If I feel it, it matters. If this is an issue for me, it deserves attention.
2. Once I express something to someone either by speaking or writing, it becomes less of a monster. I can think through the thing and see it for what it is. If I am dealing with a long list of worries, stresses, or to-dos, looking at them written down makes the thoughts less repetitive and more contained. The mountain in my head is usually smaller than I think.
3. If I am dealing with an issue again, there is more to investigate. It still deserves attention. I will learn something new this time or more deeply cement truths I have not fully grasped.
4. I probably can handle this myself, but it will be much easier, lighter, and faster to ask for help. Simply getting a new perspective can mean the world when life gets confusing or overwhelming.
5. I have been surprised time and time again by people’s reactions. Often, the act of getting something out is all I need, regardless of the response, but by sharing, I at least present myself with the opportunity to receive a new gift. Also, if I don’t think one person can give me what I need, I probably know someone else out there who can. Reach out to that person.
6. I am never bothered when a true friend reaches out for help. I like hearing other people’s stories and want to be there for them. It deepens relationships. The person I try to contact does not have to pick up the phone or reply to my note if s/he does not feel like interacting. My friends value me and will be there however they can be. The main benefit for me is simply trying to communicate what I’m holding inside.
7. I can express this thought or emotion in any way I can. There are no rules. No method or means of expression is inferior. If I have to draw someone a picture or just dial a number and start sobbing, that is good enough. If the extent of my willingness or abilities enables me to send only a tiny email or IM that says, “I’m hurting,” that’s fine. When I can’t offer a big explanation, leave the house, or speak on the phone, there are smaller means of reaching out. If all I can do is send a letter that won’t get to the recipient for days, I can still write it. Trash the overtures and immediate reciprocity. I don’t have to have something to give in return for their time. An opportunity will rise to return the favor later. For now, let the monster loose!

I rarely have to suffer alone. Even if I can only seem to reach out to the same individual for a period of time, at least I reach out. The person might ask for some space after a while, but the process of choosing who to open up to usually follows a natural course. My perception is generally the only thing making me believe I’m “too much.”

Don’t bottle things up, my friends. Even little issues need airing, or they will fester and grow into infectious beasts. It’s amazing what a little word to a friend will do. Even if I have to start out doing nothing more than asking about the other person’s day, that form of outreach is good enough.

The main thing: Human beings are connected. We are made to share joys and sorrows. Everyone needs a chance to do what they are built to do. Reach out, regardless of how it looks!

We All Have It

“Every man has his own courage, but is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote struck me today. We are all more courageous than we think. And we all contain much more of many other things than we think. What I have is not what you have. What you have does not belong to me. Each person is gifted with a unique blend of talents, propensities, and traits. In each person, the combination is perfectly balanced to complement the best life he or she could lead. We struggle many times because we refuse to believe that what we have is perfect, oftentimes looking at the tiny bit we see in others and believing that we fall short.

Number one, no one has it all together. We are all doing this life thing, figuring it out piece by piece. When someone sells him/herself short, it saddens me. None of us is doing all that much better than the next person. We see so little of other people, in fact, from the outside.

Number two, each of our unique make-ups work exactly as they should. If we don’t think we’re working correctly, perhaps we need to more closely examine who we are. We so often cover our true selves up with images of what we think we should be or what we think other people want. With the barrage of images and social connections available to us these days, it’s so easy to bury ourselves in stimuli. We then start replacing the reality of who we are with that stimuli, as if the doings and representations of our life reflect our essence.

Essence has little to nothing to do with our actions. Behaviors reflect inner goings-on, but they don’t spell out who we are. We may behave in ways contrary to our natural beings because another part of us is denying the true self.

~

At this point, I want to dig myself out of this all too heady blog. It’s a brain-full. Let’s return to the quote.

First, I want to believe in my own courage. I demonstrate it every day and want to hold on to the strength that is within me. Second, comparing myself to others never does a lick of good. Comparison is a slippery slope.

Please don’t compare yourself to me. People only see a tiny bit of me. They don’t know the truth of my struggles and triumphs. When I appear to be having a hard time, there are usually many great things also happening in my life. When I look like I’m on top of the world, don’t doubt for a moment that I’m battling something in my quiet hours or that I cry most nights of the week. That’s my life, a life of both.

I can hold both—sadness and happiness, hope and discouragement, love and hate, fear and courage—at the same time. As a human, I can. And I do it in my own special way.

I hope that you, too, can recognize the unique wonder you carry, the special balance that makes you who you are. I have yet to meet someone who I didn’t think had numerous treasures to give the world. The saddest thing for me is when someone does not believe he or she has those treasures. When someone says, “I’m a terrible person,” I never know how to respond. I simply get a terrible feeling. I know that the statement isn’t true, but by asserting that there isn’t anything good inside to share, that person blocks the potential outward transmission of the goodness that does exist within him/her. It’s sad. And I always know I’m missing out on something when a person makes a comment like that.

So, own your courage. Own who you are! Believe in your own potential. The rest of us believe in it. I guarantee you. Just because who you are doesn’t look like the success story down the street doesn’t mean you aren’t equally successful.

For today, I am confident in who I am, no matter what I think of it, and I seek to help others strip away whatever hides who they are. I’m anxious to see people throw away caution and speak from their hearts.